Uncharted Territory, Part II

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
- Andy Warhol

"I wonder how often we 'discuss' to avoid facing the issues that are staring us in the face – issues that require us to change in order to progress."
- Gordon Byrn

A few days ago I wrote about some of the issues that I have been facing as I have "embraced" new challenges. The issues of mental fatigue, and fear of failure are definitely things that I have been working through, but there is another issue that I have recognized a few weeks ago. It is a derivative of fear of failure. As I think about this experience I can't find one word that encompasses the experience. For the purpose of this blog I will call it the "get up and ask a question" moment.

Lately I have been working on some projects that are new territory for me. Often times I will hit a perceived snag and get a little jittery. Instead of sitting with the question, doing my best to figure it out, returning to it, and doing my best to figure it out, I'll get up and go talk to a manager about this. Granted there are times when a professional needs direction as they are just spinning their wheels, but this is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the moments when I shy away from "embracing the challenge." The fear of a potentially negative outcome takes me out of the moment, and I want to tap out for a few minutes--sometimes the rest of the workday.

I have seen similar behavior in my training for World Championships. Instead of consistently taking on longer sets to build my cardio base, I'll default to a work out of short freestyle sets, a long kick set, and short IM sets. Whereas these all have their place in training, the major hurdle I need to jump is that of the "base" establishment.

I started working on addressing this professional hindrance this week. It was a challenge. But as I resolved to sit at my desk, and keep going where appropriate, I felt like I was beginning to develop some new professional muscle--which felt good. My project for swimming is to do some sets with 200s as base distance today and be aware of how it feels when I want to shorten the distance.

My mind has gotten to be a much softer place over the past year, but there are still areas that need some attention. The nice thing is that I am aware of the changes that I would like to see made, and they don't scare the pants off me anymore. I am no longer frightened by the fact that there are things that need some attention. I think that quality in itself is the foundation for true progress.

Namaste

Time and Money

"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived. "
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard

If you really want to know what is important to a person, look at how they use their resources. The big two are time and money. When I realigned my priorities earlier this year, I looked at how I was spending my time, and made sure that how I used my time was really reflecting what was important to me. I have no problem staying late at the office or making it to workouts, but I realized that I had a tendency to watch television instead of hitting the CPA study.

As far as finances go, I did the same thing. I looked at my financial goals, assessed them, then tracked my spending for a week. My goal of having a "clean" balance sheet was being hindered by my tendency to eating out. So now I bring my lunch, brew my own coffee, and put the differential cash towards my mortgage payment.

My observation after going through this excercise is that we often don't make the best use of our assets. If a person wants to change this, then they have to first be aware of what they aren't doing efficiently.

Lastly, this new found interest in time and money led me on a search into the world of micro-finance. In short, there are people in 3rd world countries who need small amounts of money by Western standards to make a drastic improvment in their community and in their individual lives. The best site I have found so far is http://www.kiva.org/. My plan is to donate 10% of each paycheck to so random person in some random country. I think this asset allocation is the optimal "Karma" allocation.

Namaste

The L-Word

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."
- The Prime Minister played by Hugh Grant in Love Actually

The letter "L" starts off some of my favorite words in the English vernacular. Some of my favorites are as follows: Lust, Lick, Lips. All of them start with "L" and I would submit that the English language would be significantly worse off without these lovely words dancing off our tongues.

When I about the word "Love" over Valentine's Day, the first thing that I thought about was Bruce Springsteen's album, Tunnel of Love. This is my favorite of Bruce's work. The reason being is this: this collection of songs explores Love in all of it's nuances. There is a lot more to Love than just the romantic expression. There are several other shades that are often forgotten about and rarely celebrated. So over this V-Day I thought about the nuances and agree with the aforementioned quotes conclusion that "love actually is all around."

Lastly, I had a flashback to my college days and a lesson I learned about love. Each semester the Athletic Department published a newsletter called "Jock Talk." Each team submitted an article, they were gathered, organized, and published. Our captain at the time, Asaf Shafir--who is currently a pioneer in the burgoneing Israeli film industry--wrote an article called "Feel The Love." It had very little to do with tennis, and was more about being an engaged an authentic human being.

Asaf's article stated "Love is a state of being where you want absolutely nothing to change." You are so in the moment, so right there that nothing else in the world matters. One of his examples of Love was when Asaf would crack a forehand winner down-the-line. At that moment, he wanted nothing to change, Time would stop, and he felt completely alive. His conclusion was simple: "Remember to feel the love."

This is very wise. Nothing in the world needs to be changed. When a person genuinely believes this and rolls with this, the entire Universe opens up. Everything is charged, and everything is wonderful. Sounds crazy, but this place does exist. So, as Asaf would say, "Remember to feel the love."

Blood, Wine, and Water

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.”
- D.H. Lawrence

"An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship."
- Spanish proverb

This weekend my cousin Lara got married. As I have talked about earlier, family events are usually met with mixed feelings. It's always great to see my cousins and favorite aunt and uncle, but someone usually ends up crying, or has to much to drink, and a brawl ensues. My mother is from a very large family and I sometimes get the sense that much of what drives an argument happened in the distant past. The event has long gone, but the misgivings and resentment still linger. This weekend the past stayed in the past and everyone--by that I mean me--had a wonderful time.

Last June or July I wrote about my Uncle Ron and his battle with Lou Gehrig's Disease. Last time I saw the man his speech was clear, and he danced with his walker. This time around Ron couldn't dance at all--more or less he had to be hoisted from the car to his walker, and watched vigilently--and his speech is slow and trembly. In all seriousness, gravity is his biggest enemy. Still, the man does not have one ounce of self pity. He always dresses well, has that spark in his eye, and delivers his trademark one-liners--only a little slower than before. If I were in his position I would probably lock myself in my room with a big bottle of Jack Daniel's and piss and moan all day. Not Ron. His time is limited, but his spirit is unbroken.

One of the things that made this weekend some remarkable was the realization that all my mother's sisters have some form of OCD--which is where I get it from. Aunt Shelly has a thing with time--just like me--and I could see her get agitated when her husband made her two minutes late. We then had to wait 5 minutes for our car--which could have made us late for a yoga class--and we both got very tense. My mom has a thing about spills, or preventing spills I should say. Any time my drink was too full, she got very focused and quiet, and told me to be careful. Aunt Mary has to know everyone's plans for their day; most of the time, she tells them if they are going to be late if they don't get their things in order. Aunt Margie usually assesses where things could have been better in and event--in this case the wedding. I'm not sure what Aunt Eileen is OCD about, but I am reasonably sure that it's there.

So this weekend a new addition was received into the McGill Clan. My Uncle Paul once said, "The McGill family is the most exclusive organization in the world. The only way in is through birth, or marriage." And it was this celebration that marks probably one of the greatest weekends of my life. When everyone is in the same room with the trademark McGill laugh, drink in hand, and telling the same stories I have heard since I can remember, everything just feels right about the world. While I was witnessing the marriage and the surrounding celebration, I felt connected to something much greater than myself, something that I was a part of, something that I belonged to and could never be cut-off from regardless of what I do.