Frame By Frame

"My greatest challenge has been to change the mindset of people. Mindsets play strange tricks on us. We see things the way our minds have instructed our eyes to see."
- Muhammad Yunnus, 2006 Nobel Peace Prize winner and micro-finance pioneer

So the past week I have begun to train again for half marathon season. It's been exceptionally hot, and humid here in Arizona the past few weeks. As a result, I haven't been able to run after work. I was feeling frustrated about my current training circumstances, so I called my friend Phil--my buddy who I will be running the San Diego half marathon--to get some direction on what to do.

Phil is what I would call a true runner. He ran while studying architecture at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, and has competed in races since graduating as well. He was the first person to take me to a "track" workout, and is one of the few people I know that can compete in a mile, a 10K and a half marathon with proficiency.

So, I call him up. We start talking about what's going on in both our lives, blah blah blah. Phil mentions to me that it's been really cold and damp in San Francisco, says "Being able to train in the heat is one big advantage that you have over me." POW! BOOM! Within a handful of seconds my mind-frame totally shifted. I wonder how often this happens in our lives. The very thing that I perceived as a huge hinderance to my training was the very thing that would be my greatest advantage come race day.

I think a lot of the time our minds get hung up on "first time feedback." We do something that isn't comfortable, or isn't what we expect it to be, and our mind is locked with that perception for an extended period of time. I'm not sure how to go about this, but sometimes I think that re-examining our hardened beliefs can really open up some new possibilities that one never realized existed.

So those are my thoughts for this weekend. I'm in the office for a good chunk of today, but I'll go for a run around 5 PM tonight to take advantage of the heat and humidity.

Namaste

Mending Fences

"Most growth is painful. It's about letting painful stuff come back up, one last time, so you can heal from it once and for all time."
- Clay Vollmer

"Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That's it."
- Don Johnston as portrayed by Bill Murray in Broken Flowers

I have received all of the responses to my apology emails. It was really surprising. Each and everyone was very kind, said that they appreciated the thought, and forgave me. Honestly, I had expected that I would get a few back on what a total jackass I had been, but no such thing happened. It's been really surprising how compassionate and understanding people can be when you try to make ammends. Maybe this is an indication that most human beings are compassionate by nature, and just need the opportunity to display this quality.

During the week I fired off some emails to a guy that I swim with--the aforementioned Clay Vollmer. He asked me what I had been up to, and I told him the truth: "I spent a good chunk of the weekend sending off email, or making phone calls \napologizing for past behavior." He wrote back something like, "Sounds like Steps 8 and 9. Are you working the program?"

I responded by saying that I was not working a 12-Step Program--I do believe that "mending fences" is key to any spiritual practice--but I just felt the need to clear up some of the things I did in the past. Clay responded with the quote that I began this blog with. It really makes a lot of sense.

Part of cleaning up one's mess is realizing that they have made some poor choices, and accepting that they can never go back to change the past. That in itself is painful. Add to this the pain of knowing that you hurt someone--either intentionally or unintentionally. I mean really, mending fences really sucks on the surface. At the same time, cleaning up the past is like taking away a sizeable stone from a person's emotional backpack. The straps don't dig into your skin as much, and it's a lot easier to move forward.

As I have quoted a few months back, humans are the dynamic summation of the decisions that we have made. Those decisions are both the things that we have chosen to do and the things that we have chosen not to do. Choose wisely.

Namaste

Momentum

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
-Steve Jobs

I've talked about Dr. Makus before, my college philosophy professor--may God rest his soul--but there were a lot of things that I learned from him. One of my favorite things that he exposed his students to was the idea of momentum, and it's power.

Dr. Makus was about 6 foot 4, had thick dark hair, a dark beard, and these eyes that seemed to look into the very bottom of a person's soul. Once in awile he would start off the class by asking some random person, what their major was. They'd give and answer, and he would say, "Why?" The person would say something like business, and he would say, "Why?" Usually, there would be this very uncomforable silence. About ten long second would go by and you'd get an answer like, "Well, I want to go to law school" And then we would get another, "Why?" It was a very uncomfortable process for the person in the hot seat because most of the time the person being questioned--just like the rest of the human population--really didn't know what they wanted to do or why they were doing things.

One brave soul was asked this question, and said, "Well, Dr. Makus, I really don't want to be in college at all. I want to go do jungle music."

I am still not sure what jungle music is, but Dr. Makus looked deeply at the person and said, "Is that really what you want to do?"

There was a heavy silence. Nobody had ever broken the ranks like that or gotten past looking like a total schmuck infront of the guy.

"Yes, I am sure that this is what I want to do. And being in school has nothing to do with what I want out of life." And then something happened that I will never forget. This moment is absolutely burned into my memory.

"If this is what you really want, then go do it." Makus then started talking about Socrates, but the student never returned to class again. I'm not sure where they are, but I am sure it's very interesting.

Most people I know get up in the morning and go to work, which is what productive members of society do. But I think much of the time people--and I am in this category--forget why they are getting up. When we lose the intent of our work, and just run on momentum I think we lose that extra something that separates the worker bees from the Creators.

I've been writing out what I want to achieve each day in a notebook the night before. I've felt more connected to my daily task because I am doing these tasks for myself, not my boss, or my family. It's been a pretty interesting place to be.

So those are my thoughts for this week. I plan on sharing the results of mending fences with the people that I hurt in the next week.

Namaste

Reconnection

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"”
- John Mayer on relationships

All right blog fans, I'm back. As my friend Ken Chee suggested, I have been using my blogging energy during the week to study for the CPA. In addition, I have re-worked my study approach, plan and time frame, which was informed by Gordon Byrn's observation that "Most people overestimate what they can achieve in the short-term, and underestimate what they can achieve in the long-run." I'm taking more of a sustainable, long-term approach.

Since I last wrote, I took a vacation to San Francisco where I reconnected with my good friend and swim team memeber Phil Aguilar, saw Chris Isaak play at Mountain Winery, ate like a pig, put on a bunch of weight, and totally decompressed. It was a great time. I learned a few lessons while I was up in San Francisco--maybe I should say that I remembered a few lessons--but I'll be writing about those later. As much as I am reconnecting with the people that I read this, I also reconnected with a long-time friend of mine last night, and I think the events of the evening are worth sharing.

So anyway, I haven't hung out with my friend Dave in about two years. We had a disagreement, got into an argument, and didn't speak for about two years. I bumped into a mutual friend, got his number and called him up a few weeks ago. We met up last night, and it was like no time had passed. Dave was the bigger man in bringing up the argument, apologized, and the air was cleared. It was really cool to see a person willing to be so honest, and own up to their mistakes, even if that meant getting yelled at or having an uncomfortable moment. He was just so present about the whole thing. It was an eye-opening moment for me.

One of the things that Dave talked about is how he realized that people will make "messes." It's bound to happen, but most people won't own up to their mess. So most people will go around their whole lives tip toeing around a dirty room acting like it's clean. So why not just clean up the room? WOW! One of my favorite quotes from Ernest Hemingway is "Everything damn thing you do is your own fault, if you are any good." Dave quoted him.

I went home after that conversation, taking inventory of the mistakes I had made recently--I've made way too many in the past to go back that far. The biggest mistakes I could think of recently were with my lovely ex-girlfriend. During our relationship did two things that really screwed things up with her: (1) I didn't keep the promises that I made to her all the time, and (2) My way of showing her that I really care, weren't completely in alignment with how she understood care/affection. Now, I'm not saying that she was a complete angel, but I realized that those were two things that really hurt us.

Out of the fucking blue today she calls me. We talked and exchanged pleasantries, and then I put it on the line. I apologized, and told her how much she meant to me, and acknowledged what I did wrong. It was REALLY uncomfortable at first, but after that there was this feeling of liberation and freedom. So my project for the rest of this afternoon is to make a list of "wrong doings" and apologize and own up to these things.